The Quest for Quality
Yes, women should look inward before putting all the blame on "low-quality men".
A couple of years ago, I was asked to be on a panel at a women’s event aimed at encouraging Christian women in all walks of life. On the panel with me were an older woman, a middle-aged woman, and another woman my age. The difference between me and all of them? I was unmarried with no children.
I was dreadfully unprepared for the questions, even though they were provided ahead of time. But if you know me, you know I’m more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person in these situations. My life is generally orderly, but I also like to embrace a bit of chaos. Most of the time, I approach things like the panel as authentically as possible—meaning I glanced at the questions about an hour before the event and then promptly forgot them as soon as I sat down.
With that (probably unnecessary) background, here’s the thing that stood out: one of the questions was asked to all of us on the panel. What shocked me was that every woman essentially answered “Mostly” or “Yes” — except for me. The question was, “Has your life turned out the way you expected it to?” While I think every woman sitting with me would admit that not everything went as planned, most of them found that their lives had generally fallen into the routine they’d prayed for and expected.
My answer was a resounding nope. If you’d asked me a decade ago where I’d be today, I would have never guessed I’d be here. It’s not that I’m not grateful for where I am, but if I were a betting woman, I’d be broke. I’d put all my chips in on a Full House, and God very clearly would be like, “Why are you even at the poker table, Meg?”
I thought I’d be married with kids by now, probably working in a hospital. Heck, at one point, I had my eyes on a townhouse near the hospital I imagined working at. Now, I can’t even fathom working in a hospital. It’s wild how God changes our hearts over time.
While many of my desires have drastically shifted, a lot have remained the same. I still want to be married, and I still feel this deep pull to change the world—though I have no idea how I’m going to do that, and it almost feels like I’m running out of time.
If you have any suggestions on how I can take over the world…er, I mean, change the world…feel free to DM me.
It’s easy for us single ladies to say things like, “Where are all the good guys?” as if all our married friends took the last of the few good men out there. But there are good guys still - and plenty of wonderful women, too. We women can get pretty cynical, though. As I said in my last post, the last thing I want to do is write essays that make every reader think, “No wonder this woman is still single.”
Fortunately for any men reading this, and as most of my friends know/rightly assume, I’m probably toughest on my own sex. So while I think it's important to talk about what to look for in quality men, I also believe it's equally crucial to recognize the need for courageous women to truly embody what it means to be a high-quality woman.
Because, let’s be honest. If we’re going to wait around with impossible expectations for a perfect knight in shining armor, we’ll most likely just end up with a lot of shiny armor…and not much else.
This recent post by Evie Magazine (original tweet was from 2022) got me thinking:
What does “we have to be the woman of his dreams too” mean?
Sometimes I think we women - especially gals that have grown up in what is labeled purity culture - have been done a disservice.
Yes, the odds of me writing on this topic specifically down the road are extremely high.
Girls grow up reading about great literary heroines and watching funny, somewhat relatable lead characters in chick flicks who appear to live “normal” lives, all while thinking the perfect man of our dreams is just going to show up one day, make us laugh, then fight for us, and somehow we’ll be head over heels in love by the end. We’ve almost come to believe that we can simply exist, and God will just send a man to our front door like some sort of divine package delivery.
Spoiler alert: The package arrives damaged.
Did I think using the word “package” in those sentences was funny? Duh. I’m only human.
What’s worse is when we personally know women who seem to have the perfect falling-in-love stories. I mean, I know women that are honestly living what looks like a Hallmark movie from the outside looking in. I literally met a woman that told me she told God she wasn’t going to go looking for a man AND if He wanted her to get married, that man would physically have to show up to her front door. And guess what? That’s exactly what happened.
Of course, there’s so much more to her story, and many other women’s stories, who have been blessed to find their high-quality man. No marriage or romantic relationship is perfect. Life is not without suffering— in fact, if you're a Christian, you’re actually promised suffering in this life (see John 16:33). So, knowing that, and acknowledging it's a good thing to have standards for men…should we, as women, not strive to be the highest quality version of ourselves? If we do that, wouldn’t we not only protect ourselves/our hearts from low-quality men but also…dare I say it…from low-quality friendships? Because let’s face it, if we’re setting standards for a future husband, we might as well set some for our friend group too.
For the record (and it should honestly go without saying but hey, we’re all idiots to some degree), but high-quality does not equal perfection. To expect perfection out of any one person is not just unreasonable, it’s impossible.
Moving on…
So, what do I mean by the quest for quality? What does it mean to be the woman of his dreams? Sure, it might involve getting in better shape, picking up a few homemaking skills, or maybe even perfecting that soufflé. (My true friends are laughing because…lol…I could never perfect a soufflé…I’m shocked I thought of writing out the word.)
Anyway, I think it’s best to start by looking inward. Start by asking the questions we’d rather avoid. Maybe, just maybe, by embracing self-improvement and finding ways to actually enjoy where God has you right now, constant loneliness and heartbreak of not being “where society tells us we should be” can be avoided.
Listen, I’m not here to preach and make endless suggestions on how to improve yourself. There’s plenty of influencers much more astute than myself that can do that for you. But I do try to ask myself hard questions. So, I thought I’d share a few I’m currently asking myself on my own quest for quality, attempting to better embrace my femininity and womanhood.
Another spoiler alert: It doesn’t include curating the perfect Instagram feed.
How am I investing my time?
How can I embrace grace & elegance while navigating the demands of my career or where I’m at in life?
Am I actively fostering self-awareness & personal growth?
How am I practicing patience each day?
Am I intentionally choosing joy - even in the hardest of days?
So, to wrap it up: It’s actually a good thing to want a man who embodies strength, courage, and intelligence. It’s also okay to say no to a man whose personality or values are not complementary to yours romantically.
But women can’t expect to attract a man who’s striving for greatness if we’re not doing the same for ourselves. It’s not about waiting for the perfect man to come knocking on your door, it’s about becoming the kind of woman who knows her worth, sets high standards for herself and her future husband, works to improve daily, and fully trusts God through the story He’s written for her.
And maybe do some Pinterest research on soufflés.